Reclaiming myself

I admit, not writing on the blog has been an intentional decision. It was an intentional decision as a result of several less intentional, subconscious decisions. Last Fall, for the first time in my life as a stay-at-home mom, I had three hours a day, three days a week, where no children were in my care. A total of 9 hours of child free time. If you factor in travel time to and from school, it averaged to about 7.5 hours each week.

This concept of being alone should have thrilled me. Most moms can rattle off a list of activities or chores they would do if given extra time, without their children "helping" each step of the way. I, however, was paralyzed in fear at the thought.

When I gave up my career,  I had recreated my identity and self worth as a stay-at-home mom, and without my children "at home" with their mom...then who was I?   Before my youngest even had her first day of preschool, I had already committed several hours a week to volunteering in our church, in each girls school and weekly bible studies (all during those 7.5 hours child free). As best I could, I would squeeze in grocery shopping, birthday/Christmas shopping, school party planning, field trip chaperone, Girl Scout Cookie mom, exercise, cleaning and basic chores, so as to maximize my time with each girl when they were home from school.

When the children returned home from school, we played, we crafted, we baked, we learned. Activities were together and organized.

I see now that this logic created a fundamental flaw.As it turns out, the formula for "superwoman" was definitely not the formula for "supermom."  It required me to be some version of superwoman that I was ill equipped to achieve.  I became a human robot going through the motions, smiling along the way, while slowly losing a piece of myself. I never allowed myself to just "be."

This logic taught my children that I was always available to do whatever it was they requested (or eventually demanded). They had my undivided attention, and came to expect it. I noticed they began to stop playing with toys as much and instead expected me to entertain them.  They began to expect constant plans, and not appreciate the activity or effort put forth to achieve such an amazing feat. 

The more I gave to others, the less whole I became. I gave less joyfully. I lost sleep trying to achieve impossible standards. I encouraged others less and found myself needing a ridiculous amount of encouragement for mundane tasks. I lost my temper often. I lost my purpose. In an effort to be everything to all people, I lost who I was to begin with. I had nothing left to give. 

Recently, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The realization that this cannot keep up, nor is it healthy to maintain. This is not who I was created to be. I am more than what I've allowed myself to become. Today, is the first step of many...I cancelled my commitments to take a day to reflect, recharge and relax. And there will be no guilt associated with it.