Charlie Brown is know for saying the phrase "Good Grief" and as much as that is a euphemism acceptable for the middle twentieth century America, I've had to look much deeper at this idea over the last four months to really find out if there is anything good about grief.
As any proud young couple innocently shares the excitement with the outside world of conceiving life for the second time, it never crosses their mind that this will be followed up just weeks later sharing the devastating news of the loss of that life. They also aren't thinking about surgery (except for the chance of a C-section 9 months down the road). The loss of a spouse, a friend, and a two year old's mother really isn't something they are thinking of either. Learning about medical terms like ectopic, D and C, laparoscopic, internal bleeding, hCG levels rising, hCG levels falling, molar pregnancy, and chemotherapy really isn't in their plans.
Rather, they fill their thoughts with hopes and dreams for a life just beginning. The household arrangements and adjustments that will need to be made start filling their days and nights. Imagining the happy interactions between siblings, parents, grandparents, and cousins is a big part of what consumes their thoughts. The family of four has begun, never thinking it will be three again, nevertheless, possibly two, before the end of the month.
This is the roller coaster Ashley and I have been riding for four months. Trying to find good through the grief of a life's worth of hopes and dreams and anticipated memories, replaced by a single, traumatic and lifelong memory of a child we never had the chance to meet.
Many times life is taken from us slowly over a period of time. Other times it is snatched from us quickly. Still other times it is taken seemingly before it had a chance to begin. Our child was taken from us way too quickly and so was our innocence. We lost the joyful jubilation of pregnancy to the worry and fear of "what if" and "if there is a next time". We lost the confidence in our heath and well being to the fears of "what's wrong with me?" and the guilt of "could I have caused this?". We lost the faith in goodness to the question of "why?"
Ironically, what we thought we lost through the question of "why?" is the gift of life our unborn child has given us. That question of "why?" is where I see God. That question of "why?" is where I find the good from the grief. Our child, who we never met, brought us closer together than we've ever been. Our child we never met gave us new indescribable love and appreciation for our two year old and for each other. Our child we never met brought us into relationships we otherwise wouldn't have had and strengthened some which already existed. Our child we never met taught us to trust in God and find hope and peace in his promises which has an influence on our eternal life.
So as we are angry, stressed, anxious, numb, or feeling lost and hopeless. As we are sad, denying, feeling empty, or feeling guilty. As we feel all these feelings, I'm choosing to be grateful and thankful for the gifts my daughter or son, who I never met, has given Ashley and I. I'm choosing to find some good amidst the grief.
