I've tried to go to bed twice now. Both times, I laid there, restless. Unable to sleep. Wide awake, I watched the time tick bye. I know I have something on my mind, though I have yet to discover what is keeping me awake as the rest of my family slumbers. After much debating, I crawled out of bed and headed downstairs.
I tried cleaning a bit, but just didn't have my heart in it. I made a list of things to do tomorrow instead. I then sat down to work on hair bows, a recent obsession of mine that always brings comfort and relaxation as my creative juices flow, but tonight, even that wasn't "doing" it for me.
And so, here I am at quarter after one in the morning, typing my thoughts. Drinking my favorite sleepy-time tea and trying to unearth this feeling growing within me. A feeling of excitement and anxiety about the future ahead of us. I can't exactly pinpoint it, but I am feeling myself grow and learn at rapid rates, at times overwhelmingly so. I feel like my mind can't keep up at times with my heart, or perhaps my heart can't keep up with my mind.
Our family has been through a lot this year, but nothing that we can't handle. We have learned that. I am continually inspired by the way that my husband is challenging himself to grow throughout it all and marvel at the fact that he still doesn't realize what an inspiration he is to me. We are continuing to grow more as a couple and I am motivated to grow more as an individual. But how do I begin?
How do I begin to be a more confident mother and wife, yet not be a hard ass or pushover? How do I begin to not be afraid to fail, even when I know I likely will many times? How do I begin to relax and let go of the planning that I take such joy in? I don't yet have these answers...but I am working on them. I am praying about them. I am feeling God work through me. And, I am learning. I am growing. More. Every day. And tonight, it just happened to be over a cup of tea.
